If you know me well you probably know that I have horrendous timing and that I get in the way of myself constantly and on multiple levels. I leave for a solo drive across the country in 5 days and it wasn’t until 5 am this morning that I decided that not only should I train to compete in a marathon, I should compete in an Ultramarathon. Of course I could have done this sort of training with my $30 a month gym membership and the last 7 months of working full time with little else on my plate. But no, I decided on the eve of the most emotionally, intellectually, and probably most physically challenging adventure of my life that I should heap on a marathon as well. I’m not sure if this is remotely feasible and or practical right now. Up until 12 hours ago I was in the frame of mind that my physical peak had passed and re-entering competitive racing would be far too challenging psychologically. If you know me at all, you can probably guess that this had essentially the same effect as asking an insecure male, “What are you chicken?”. I like to think that I’ve got myself pegged and that when I put my mind to something I can psychoanalyze and mold myself. So around 4am I decided, why the hell not? I’m 23 years old and at one point was in good enough shape to compete at the national level… and I loved it to boot. This has been a gradual wakeup call with the occasional signs in my life telling me that I’m not being true to myself. I loved watching Sam compete in his triathlon last weekend and I couldn’t have been more proud of him. When I was asked by another competitor if I trained with him, I actually scoffed and said, “Um, NO! Not like this!”. At the time it was my immediate reaction. But as soon as the words came out I was disgusted with myself and actually had to walk away and take a picture. Why the hell couldn’t I do a half-Ironman triathlon (besides my heinous swim stroke)? Ever since I stopped doing crew I have felt like if I put myself out there and can’t compete at that level on my first time out, that I will not only be embarrassed but I’ll totally psych myself out and will want to quit. I know in every rational iota of my being that it’s not realistic to expect to pick up right where I left off. But as someone who lived, breathed, and loved an endurance sport for years it breaks my heart to not be able to perform like that. Especially since it came so easily to me. I was as close as can be to a natural rower. Sure, I was small (5′5 in a sport that worships girls at 5′8, 140 lbs) but I was naturally strong and I annihilated the competition. Okay, enough of the glory days… see this is my problem. I miss crew and idealize it… but no, I was really that good. So, it has been a few years. Who cares? I’m not 50 with kids pursuing their own dreams, I’m 23, athletic, and passionate. That won’t make it easy by any means but it’s definitely possible. After all, why not me? Now the question is, will the Peace Corps frown on me having this type of “extra-curricular” life? Will the villagers think I’m some possessed white woman running tens of miles every other day? Is it a bad idea to take on a training program like this when I’m putting myself through getting used to a new place, new people, new language, new food, new illnesses, new job, and a new culture? All the PC material says that during training PCV’s should be happy if they have time for sleep and reading. Somehow they didn’t mention running for hours? I don’t think it’s an oversight this time… This is one instance where I wish more people read this blog and could advise me. So if you do happen upon my silly little blog, whoever you are, weigh in on this. I need everyone’s advice? I need to start being me again and that means pushing myself out of my comfort zone in every way possible. That means learning to surf, hiking the AT all the way through, that means going to Tom Brown tracking school, it means, not standing in the way of myself anymore.

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I don’t know why but 10 days is officially my breaking point. It’s not even 10 days till I leave the country, it’s just 10 days til I physically leave Sam. It’s seems so silly to say that until now it hasn’t really sunk in. But until now I had other things to distract me or to look forward to like Sam’s triathlon and going to Texas. Now I just have my drive out to CO in 10 days which will be interesting but will essentially just be more time to think too much and have a panic attack. I have 10 days to make memories that will last us the next year or two. Every fight that could just roll off our backs and be fine after a day or two will temper our feelings til we see each other next… which might not be for a year… maybe two. Leaving for this amount of time is like the job/life/relationship evaluation from hell. It’s like everything in my life is going to be freeze framed when I leave and that’s how I will be thought of until my return.

I do realize that I will have communication with and probably some visits from many of the people I care about. I also know how fast the past year has gone by and know that in turn so will the next. But life must go on. The kids I’ve worked with over the past year will find someone new to trust, my parents won’t notice a change because I call them so seldom now, my brother may see me more than he has in the past 2 years, and my roommate will find a new roommate to pay the bills.

No matter how hard I try or how many times I try, I can’t seem to write about the whirring thoughts in my head. 10 days left with Sam is seriously freaking me out. But as much as I’ve thought about that it wasn’t until reading another pcv’s blog that it dawned on me that next Thursday… a week from tomorrow I will be leaving Sam as I physically drive away from him to Colorado. Besides being emotionally crippling, the blatant unsafety of this is ridiculous. What is it about me that keep making me unearth myself. The more I think about it the more I know that I wouldn’t pass up this experience for anything. But there’s something to be said for not adding strain to one’s relationships. My parents claim they’ll come visit next April (2009) after ski season is over in CO and once my mom has earned some vacation time. Andrea and Bill (Sam’s parents) are going to South Africa in the end of September 2008 for the TED conference and then Sam’s going to come next year sometime. I don’t even know where to start writing about this.

The past few days have consisted of many unexpectedly difficult goodbyes. Just when you think you know your place in the world, life turns around and kicks you in the ass. I’ve spent the past week (my last week) of work saying my goodbyes. On Wednesday, I came in to find that my arguably favorite kid was leaving for a therapeutic home visit and would not return until after I was done. So we had a hurried goodbye complete with numerous hugs and quick “be good’s”. It was unexpected and sad since I was fully planning on soaking up every last minute I had with my boys over this week. But life goes on and at least he knew to say a real goodbye in time. So there was some closure… and he has called every night since to talk to me despite being “free” to do “whatever he wants” on his visit. Then Thursday, I finally told my individual client that I was leaving. I was fully expecting him to say “ok” and ask if he’d still get a birthday present from me even though I was leaving 2 weeks before the day. But no, he got quiet and said he didn’t have any questions and that he understood. He stayed in his room for awhile after I left. Then my Asst. supervisor came over to me and told me I should go back to talk to him because he was crying. Thus begins the next 2 days of intermittent tears, laughs, “Why do you want to leave” here’s and teary “I don’t want you to go’s”. To give you a better idea, this is a 16 year old, 200 plus pound Puerto Rican kid who has been in placement for years, was abused by his parents, abandoned by his mother, and continually let down by the rest of his family. He presents as an aggressive introspective teenager who could knock me out with one swing of his fist… and has a smile that lights up the room and a laugh that is contagious, he loves animals, drawing, the New England Patriots, and his grandmother. When I met him our counseling sessions consisted of me talking and him not looking at me, saying only “yeah” and “uh huh”. Yesterday, he sat down next to me identified all the emotions he has in a given day and told me there aren’t any he felt he would have a hard time talking to me about Then he told me he didn’t want me to go, asked me when I was coming back, and told me he was worried he wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. Read: tearing heartstrings… I am so proud of my boys and I wouldn’t trade the last year of knowing and working with them. They have taught me so much about humanity, compassion, and human resiliency. Everyday I go to work I am excited to see them and hear about their lives. I only hope I have made half the impression on them that they have made on me. I feel truly blessed.

I finally sent my “group email” out… I started it a month ago. This is not a reflection of how bad I am at staying in touch. That wasn’t the hard part. I can’t wait to tell people about what I am doing. The hard part is looking at everyone in your life and picking who wants to stay in it and who I want to stay in it. Sometimes those lists aren’t the same. There are so many people that we come in contact with everyday in different capacities. What makes one person stay in our life over another? While I am the type of person to strike up a conversation with some stranger in line, I’m not the person to follow through. I tend to let people slip out of my life. I often tell myself (and am told by my parents) that I am just a fiercely independent person. But the truth is that I have so much respect for people who maintain friendships, especially over distance. It takes risk and vulnerability to tell others you care about them and that your life wouldn’t be the same without them in it. It was eye-opening making the list of people I intend to share my life. Some of them are people I talk to everyday, like Sam and my parents. Some are people I love being around like Ginger and Meg. Then there are others I haven’t talked to in awhile and I wish we were closer. This is a great opportunity to finally do that gesture of reaching out to connect in hopes that we will stay in touch. Maybe some people would prefer not to get the email or perhaps there are some that will only notice my grammatical mistakes or typos, entirely missing that I’m thinking about them and am actively asking them to share my life with me. This topic warrants a ramble because there is a trend in those around me to critique others and compete instead of just loving and appreciating each other. My dad’s family is the epitome of this. No one stays in touch except to brag about their child’s achievements in competition with the other’s. But if it’s holiday time and gifts are given and there is no “thank you” note then there will be a year of silent, passive-aggressive resentment. I hope my email doesn’t seem like bragging about what I’m doing. This is a cycle that I really want to be broken and I hope I can do that because my cousins and friends are far too wonderful to miss out on knowing because of competition. So if any of you feel like my fortune is your misfortune, please understand that I reach out to you because I want you in my life and not to make me feel superior (that’s what Jerry Springer is for) but to share our victories and support each other. So if after that anyone is still reading this to be critical… there is a doosy of a run-on sentence for you. If I’ve learned anything from living in Bethlehem over the past year it’s been that it doesn’t take a perfect person to have intimate relationships with the people around you. Until recently, I found the “Bethlehem male effect’ to be pretty comical. For those of you who are not familiar with the area, guys in Bethlehem tend to be townies. They grew up here, they went to school here, and after college they came back here. They get in fights, they drink to excess, and they have an obsession with professional sports that borders on psychotic. But what lies underneath all of this is their heart. Every Bethlehem guy I know would drop the remote, their beer, or lose every last precious hour of sleep if you needed them. They may fight with their friends, cheat on their girlfriends, but when it comes down to it they would never disrespect a girl or shirk an obligation to a friend. EVER.

There are at least a few people I didn’t include on this list because I feel that I haven’t been there for them and as such don’t know if I deserve to ask them to be in my life. I just hope they know I love them and would do anything to make it right if given the chance.

I’ve been seriously lacking when it comes to updating this website. For the most part this is because there isn’t really any new information. I’m waiting on my staging packet to arrive any day now so that I know at least in what city I will be spending my last 2 stateside days. I do have exciting quasi-PC related news however. I just submitted my TEDAfrica Fellow application after nerve-wrenching technical difficulties. Just the idea of going to TED makes me 1,000,000 times more motivated for training and the months leading up to it. Then after TED I’ll just be abuzz with enthusiasm and inspiration. I also think TED embodies what I want to do with my life. I’m not saying that I want to have a career working for TED but from what I hear it’s not a bad gig. I just mean that it’s surrounding myself with the world’s most interesting, interested, and motivated people. That’s somewhere worth being. TED embodies the good in the world by virtue of the fact that it’s tons of ambitious people who WANT to make the world a better place and see no obstacle to doing so. That’s truly amazing.
If I get in then I would go as a TED Fellow which would mean I’m selected as someone who is making an important contribution to Africa as deemed by TED. That in itself is a huge honor to me and I hope to be worthy of that. So here’s hoping…

This is a random time for a first post but I suppose not too bad. I received my invitation to serve in Botswana last week and I accepted (formally) on Tuesday. So now the reality of going has start to hit me and I’ve been frantically thinking about what/how to pack and all the things I have to do before I leave. Since I tend to be a compulsive list maker and calendar keeper, that’s what I’ve done. This website is also an attempt to get organized and to facilitate the transition. Amongst all this logistical nonsense, I’m also trying to learn Setswana. The title of this entry was one except from the training materials that amused me and was a little window into what life is going to be like. Maybe my perspective will change but if someone’s goat is in my seat, I’m thinking I’d want another one anyway. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Welcome to my blog! Feel free to comment, suggest changes, and offer care packages once I go.