The past few days have consisted of many unexpectedly difficult goodbyes. Just when you think you know your place in the world, life turns around and kicks you in the ass. I’ve spent the past week (my last week) of work saying my goodbyes. On Wednesday, I came in to find that my arguably favorite kid was leaving for a therapeutic home visit and would not return until after I was done. So we had a hurried goodbye complete with numerous hugs and quick “be good’s”. It was unexpected and sad since I was fully planning on soaking up every last minute I had with my boys over this week. But life goes on and at least he knew to say a real goodbye in time. So there was some closure… and he has called every night since to talk to me despite being “free” to do “whatever he wants” on his visit. Then Thursday, I finally told my individual client that I was leaving. I was fully expecting him to say “ok” and ask if he’d still get a birthday present from me even though I was leaving 2 weeks before the day. But no, he got quiet and said he didn’t have any questions and that he understood. He stayed in his room for awhile after I left. Then my Asst. supervisor came over to me and told me I should go back to talk to him because he was crying. Thus begins the next 2 days of intermittent tears, laughs, “Why do you want to leave” here’s and teary “I don’t want you to go’s”. To give you a better idea, this is a 16 year old, 200 plus pound Puerto Rican kid who has been in placement for years, was abused by his parents, abandoned by his mother, and continually let down by the rest of his family. He presents as an aggressive introspective teenager who could knock me out with one swing of his fist… and has a smile that lights up the room and a laugh that is contagious, he loves animals, drawing, the New England Patriots, and his grandmother. When I met him our counseling sessions consisted of me talking and him not looking at me, saying only “yeah” and “uh huh”. Yesterday, he sat down next to me identified all the emotions he has in a given day and told me there aren’t any he felt he would have a hard time talking to me about Then he told me he didn’t want me to go, asked me when I was coming back, and told me he was worried he wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. Read: tearing heartstrings… I am so proud of my boys and I wouldn’t trade the last year of knowing and working with them. They have taught me so much about humanity, compassion, and human resiliency. Everyday I go to work I am excited to see them and hear about their lives. I only hope I have made half the impression on them that they have made on me. I feel truly blessed.

I finally sent my “group email” out… I started it a month ago. This is not a reflection of how bad I am at staying in touch. That wasn’t the hard part. I can’t wait to tell people about what I am doing. The hard part is looking at everyone in your life and picking who wants to stay in it and who I want to stay in it. Sometimes those lists aren’t the same. There are so many people that we come in contact with everyday in different capacities. What makes one person stay in our life over another? While I am the type of person to strike up a conversation with some stranger in line, I’m not the person to follow through. I tend to let people slip out of my life. I often tell myself (and am told by my parents) that I am just a fiercely independent person. But the truth is that I have so much respect for people who maintain friendships, especially over distance. It takes risk and vulnerability to tell others you care about them and that your life wouldn’t be the same without them in it. It was eye-opening making the list of people I intend to share my life. Some of them are people I talk to everyday, like Sam and my parents. Some are people I love being around like Ginger and Meg. Then there are others I haven’t talked to in awhile and I wish we were closer. This is a great opportunity to finally do that gesture of reaching out to connect in hopes that we will stay in touch. Maybe some people would prefer not to get the email or perhaps there are some that will only notice my grammatical mistakes or typos, entirely missing that I’m thinking about them and am actively asking them to share my life with me. This topic warrants a ramble because there is a trend in those around me to critique others and compete instead of just loving and appreciating each other. My dad’s family is the epitome of this. No one stays in touch except to brag about their child’s achievements in competition with the other’s. But if it’s holiday time and gifts are given and there is no “thank you” note then there will be a year of silent, passive-aggressive resentment. I hope my email doesn’t seem like bragging about what I’m doing. This is a cycle that I really want to be broken and I hope I can do that because my cousins and friends are far too wonderful to miss out on knowing because of competition. So if any of you feel like my fortune is your misfortune, please understand that I reach out to you because I want you in my life and not to make me feel superior (that’s what Jerry Springer is for) but to share our victories and support each other. So if after that anyone is still reading this to be critical… there is a doosy of a run-on sentence for you. If I’ve learned anything from living in Bethlehem over the past year it’s been that it doesn’t take a perfect person to have intimate relationships with the people around you. Until recently, I found the “Bethlehem male effect’ to be pretty comical. For those of you who are not familiar with the area, guys in Bethlehem tend to be townies. They grew up here, they went to school here, and after college they came back here. They get in fights, they drink to excess, and they have an obsession with professional sports that borders on psychotic. But what lies underneath all of this is their heart. Every Bethlehem guy I know would drop the remote, their beer, or lose every last precious hour of sleep if you needed them. They may fight with their friends, cheat on their girlfriends, but when it comes down to it they would never disrespect a girl or shirk an obligation to a friend. EVER.

There are at least a few people I didn’t include on this list because I feel that I haven’t been there for them and as such don’t know if I deserve to ask them to be in my life. I just hope they know I love them and would do anything to make it right if given the chance.