If you know me well you probably know that I have horrendous timing and that I get in the way of myself constantly and on multiple levels. I leave for a solo drive across the country in 5 days and it wasn’t until 5 am this morning that I decided that not only should I train to compete in a marathon, I should compete in an Ultramarathon. Of course I could have done this sort of training with my $30 a month gym membership and the last 7 months of working full time with little else on my plate. But no, I decided on the eve of the most emotionally, intellectually, and probably most physically challenging adventure of my life that I should heap on a marathon as well. I’m not sure if this is remotely feasible and or practical right now. Up until 12 hours ago I was in the frame of mind that my physical peak had passed and re-entering competitive racing would be far too challenging psychologically. If you know me at all, you can probably guess that this had essentially the same effect as asking an insecure male, “What are you chicken?”. I like to think that I’ve got myself pegged and that when I put my mind to something I can psychoanalyze and mold myself. So around 4am I decided, why the hell not? I’m 23 years old and at one point was in good enough shape to compete at the national level… and I loved it to boot. This has been a gradual wakeup call with the occasional signs in my life telling me that I’m not being true to myself. I loved watching Sam compete in his triathlon last weekend and I couldn’t have been more proud of him. When I was asked by another competitor if I trained with him, I actually scoffed and said, “Um, NO! Not like this!”. At the time it was my immediate reaction. But as soon as the words came out I was disgusted with myself and actually had to walk away and take a picture. Why the hell couldn’t I do a half-Ironman triathlon (besides my heinous swim stroke)? Ever since I stopped doing crew I have felt like if I put myself out there and can’t compete at that level on my first time out, that I will not only be embarrassed but I’ll totally psych myself out and will want to quit. I know in every rational iota of my being that it’s not realistic to expect to pick up right where I left off. But as someone who lived, breathed, and loved an endurance sport for years it breaks my heart to not be able to perform like that. Especially since it came so easily to me. I was as close as can be to a natural rower. Sure, I was small (5′5 in a sport that worships girls at 5′8, 140 lbs) but I was naturally strong and I annihilated the competition. Okay, enough of the glory days… see this is my problem. I miss crew and idealize it… but no, I was really that good. So, it has been a few years. Who cares? I’m not 50 with kids pursuing their own dreams, I’m 23, athletic, and passionate. That won’t make it easy by any means but it’s definitely possible. After all, why not me? Now the question is, will the Peace Corps frown on me having this type of “extra-curricular” life? Will the villagers think I’m some possessed white woman running tens of miles every other day? Is it a bad idea to take on a training program like this when I’m putting myself through getting used to a new place, new people, new language, new food, new illnesses, new job, and a new culture? All the PC material says that during training PCV’s should be happy if they have time for sleep and reading. Somehow they didn’t mention running for hours? I don’t think it’s an oversight this time… This is one instance where I wish more people read this blog and could advise me. So if you do happen upon my silly little blog, whoever you are, weigh in on this. I need everyone’s advice? I need to start being me again and that means pushing myself out of my comfort zone in every way possible. That means learning to surf, hiking the AT all the way through, that means going to Tom Brown tracking school, it means, not standing in the way of myself anymore.